Saturday, 28 February 2009

I don't wanna fall to pieces!

Well - I'm not in France :'(
Can't believe that I am here sat at home on my own missing out because of my stupid illnesses, it's really go me down - I haven't cried so much in a long time - and I cry a LOT!!

I had a terrible night last night - couldn't sleep had stupid jerks in my legs and pains in my stomach - I'm sure my IBS has never been this bad before! I got to thinking about my different illnesses - and I realised I have 5 now! Or 4 and a possibility :(

My Fibromyalgia - no wonder they call it the silent disease as everyone says how well I look etc when i'm actually feeling like a ten tonne truck has hit me several times, I get aches and pains, and am soooo tired that no-one could understand it's like permanent jet lag :( Then theres the bit where it could actually be shutting down my organs over time - great huh?

Next is my IBS which I have had for around 8 years now, which they are saying could of been an underlying indication of my Fibro (yeah thanks) but I haven't had a bad a flare up as this in a long long time ;(

My high anxiety is next on the list - which apparently is also made worse by the Fibro - I also have bad panic attacks these days :( and when I get stressed I have a nervous twitch!

Last on the list is my antibody count is too high, so instead of fighting off the bad cells IE when a cold infection enters my system - they are attacking all my good cells, so I don't really have an immune system which is why I'm always getting colds and stomach bugs!

All these symptoms all go round in a circle as when I get stressed it makes my Fibro worse but then when my Fibro is bad I can't sleep I get stressed and my OCD comes to the forefront more!

Also now I am being tested for Polycystic ovaries :( I had some tests and they came back slightly high so now I have to have an ultrasound on my stomach :(

Sometimes I lie awake at night not being able to sleep and I wonder where its going to end, will the symptoms get worse - my consultant at the hosp has released me as they can't give me anymore treatment until they do get worse BUT I DON'T WANT THEM TOO!!
I lie awake thinking what have I done to deserve this, am I being punished in some way? Then I feel really bad as there are people out there with far worse things than i have .. but it's stopping me doing everything I love - i just wish i could go back to a couple of years ago and be "normal" again .. I feel like I'm falling to pieces both mentally and physically:(

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